Lead Me

I was 39 when my husband and I got married, but I still firmly believed in living “happily ever after”.  I thought marrying the right guy could make this happen, but it didn’t take long before I learned our marriage would be full of ups and downs.  Adjusting to each others habits and ways of doing life was hard and to add to that, my husband had to adjust to living with my two teenagers.  

In our four years of married life, we have had great days mixed together with tough days.  We have had fun times when we feel silly and happy and other days when we’ve felt frustrated and annoyed with each other.  We have great talks and then times when neither of us can communicates what is bothering us. There have been days when he is concerned about low corn price while I am nagging him about remodeling the kitchen. Then I take it personally when he seems irritated or is in a bad mood.  It bothers me when he is quiet and withdrawn.  This has happened more as we’ve faced real challenges.  

Our hardest time was when I got pregnant for the first time about six months after we were married.   The doctor couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat at our twelve week appointment, but she told us that wasn’t uncommon.  She scheduled an ultrasound for the next week for a closer look.  Sadly, I woke up the next morning with cramps and spotting so went back for an ultrasound that same day.   The small room was somber as the technician began.  I thought I was ready for what she would say, but I was crushed when she told us the baby hadn’t developed properly and I had miscarried. We came together and cried as we heard the news, but then that loss pulled us apart.  We were both hurt by how the other dealt with it.

When my body and our relationship had healed a little, I got pregnant again, but I had another miscarriage.  We began to doubt that we could have a baby together.  Then we met with a high risk doctor and had blood tests.  Luckily, I was able to get pregnant again and just a few days shy of our second anniversary, we had a healthy baby girl.

We are overjoyed by this miracle, but still there have been struggles.  My husband’s work hours have meant many more hours of taking care of her on my own than I expected.  I’m used to helping others, but the demands of a baby required a level of selflessness that I’d forgotten about. My other kids were older and I was used to some freedom.  I took for granted leaving the house alone or even showering and going to the bathroom by myself.   I have raised two kids and have a strong support system so the fact that it is still so hard has been humbling.

I wished my husband was home more and he wished he didn’t have the day to day grind of raising livestock.   Off and on for over a year, he was drained from a rare sickness that struck his hog barns.  It made for long days of dragging dead pigs from the barn.  He came home exhausted and frustrated from a myriad of problems this created.  

Finally, his pigs are healthy and I’m more adjusted to the demands of being a new mom again. Our little girl turned two in July and we’ve been enjoying a really happy upswing among the ups and downs of marriage.  

During this positive time together, I’ve been reading a book called Sacred Marriage.  It describes how challenges of marriage are meant to draw us closer to God.  

One quote in the book from Francis De Sales says:

“Marriage might be the toughest ministry you could ever undertake.  

The state of marriage is one that requires more virtue and constancy than any other.

It is a perpetual exercise of mortification - from this thyme plant, in spite of the bitter nature of its juice, you may be able to draw and make the honey of a holy life.”

Call me crazy, but somehow this is new information to me.    Not because I haven’t experienced how hard marriage is, but because it finally clicked for me that hard times are part of all marriages, including good ones.  Our bad times don’t mean I’m doing marriage wrong.   I can’t blame my husband or myself for our lives not being perfect.  No, these ups and down are what being married is about.  Not only that, the hard days are what it takes to make us more like Christ.  It can do this by teaching dependence on God and how to give grace, love, and loyalty-even when it is hard!

Dependence on God

The book Sacred Marriage points out that my husband’s role isn’t to meet all of my needs.  I am supposed to come to him with a spirit of serving and go to God to have my needs met.  Somehow I have gotten this all wrong and have blamed Mark when I feel lonely and discontent.  I need to begin depending on God because I can’t do it on my own and no person can do it for me.

Giving Grace

This marriage thing wasn’t just to make me happy. It’s my ministry-an opportunity to serve my family and draw closer to Christ.  I have had to grow up as I’ve discovered how often things won’t always go my way. I have had to accept my husband is imperfect and has good and bad days.  I’ve learned to acknowledge and thank God for his strengths while accepting his imperfections.  I’m sure he wishes I was different sometimes too.   I have to give him grace and pray he also offers it to me.

Lavishing Love and Loyalty

Proverbs 3:3-6 says,” Don’t ever let love and loyalty leave you. Tie them around your neck, and write them on your heart.  Then God will be pleased and think well of you and so will everyone else. Trust the Lord completely, and don’t depend on your own knowledge. With every step you take, think about what he wants, and he will help you go the right way.”  

God wants us to love others and to show loyalty. I can do this through commitment, dedication, and offering strong support.  Woodrow Wilson said, “Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.”  That means I must give up having my way and wants for the benefits of my husband.  I can’t just be supportive,  positive, and loving on good days or when it is easy for me.  I want God to be pleased with me and offering my husband loyalty and love through our challenges is a way to do that.   

When I wonder how I can love more lavishly, the Message’s version of 1 Corinthians 13:3-7 sums it up best for me:

“If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t strut,

Doesn’t have a swelled head,

Doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always “me first,”

Doesn’t fly off the handle,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.”