Live Like You're Loved

But you are a chosen people, set aside to be a royal order of priests, a holy nation, God’s own; so that you may proclaim the wondrous acts of the One who called you out of inky darkness into shimmering light. 1 Peter 2:9 (VOICE)

These verses are a powerful message of what God’s love can do, but recently I had a day when I wasn’t living like I was chosen or loved.   Instead, I related more to the beginning of the song:, “Feelin' like you lose more than you win.” Like life is just an endless hill you climb. You try and try, but never arrive”

The farewell send off for a staff member had me doubting myself and what others would say about me.  Do they think I am too relaxed, too disorganized, not strict enough, not a disciplined enough person, and just not good enough?   I try my best and work hard, but some days my best doesn’t feel very good.   Some self analyzing is helpful, but my thoughts that day were just hurtful.  As these negative emotions were swirling around my head and I felt like I just didn’t measure up, I realized the enemy had me just where he wanted me, and I needed to say a prayer to change my thinking.

In that moment, I was reminded of a book I heard about called One Thousand Gifts. Its message is to live a life looking for blessings and writing them down to live with a perspective of gratefulness.  I knew I needed to start my own list of gifts to replace the lies I was hearing. I got on Amazon to see if the review would give some direction on how to get started.   

As I read through the first pages offered there for free, I was blown away.  Her writing is just plain beautiful, like nothing I had ever read in Christian non-fiction, and not at all what I was expecting.  I was drawn into her devastating story of tragedy that led to her questioning the goodness of God, and her own goodness.  She was living her life from this very dark point of view:

“I woke to the feeling of discontent on my skin.  I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing.  Always, the failing.  I yell at children, fester with bitterness,  forget doctor appointments,  lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets, I live tired. Afraid. Anxious, Weary.  Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes.  Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough?”

As she searched for her way out of the darkness surrounding her, she noticed how scripture points over and over to giving thanks.  Around this same time, she was dared by a friend to begin a list of one thousand gifts.  She said this act of listing things begins to change her.  Her thoughts were transformed by the end of the book:

“Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control, let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper a surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will. And I can empty. I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust.”

Wow, I need more of that.  I need fuel for joy’s flame.  Can I let go of my own fears and be at peace?  If counting blessings helped her understand God’s love and feel full of His love, then I want to start my own list.

My list is starting with the three events that pulled me back to the shimmering light when my own “stinking thinking” had me stuck in the inky darkness.

1. Impromptu heart to hearts

My friend pulled her car next to mine just to talk as we were both leaving school.  I told her how I was feeling defeated.  It was a relief to say and to hear that she doubts herself too.  I was reassured by her telling me some kids need just what I have to offer.

2. Books that remind me to take the focus away from myself and put it back on God.

This book provided the inspiration to look at things in a new light.  I know it, but I need reminded often.

3. The repeating phrase of “What’s that, mama?”

I took Maycee to the park on that beautiful sunny day, that for a few hours, I had clouded with my own hurt.  Without being blinded by discouragement,  I was able to really experience the blessing of being her Mama, a name I love hearing again.  I delighted in hearing her question prompted by her curiosity of every sight and sound.

We must keep looking for our blessings to remind us that we are loved and we are more than enough. I pray you see them throughout your day and it helps you give love more freely, especially to yourself. I'm going to keep working on my list.....only 997 more to go.

God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.  2 Corinthians 9:8 (NIV)

Yes, I am sure that nothing can separate us from God’s love—not death, life, angels, or ruling spirits. I am sure that nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us or nothing below us—nothing in the whole created world—will ever be able to separate us from the love God has shown us in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39 (ERV)

Voskamp, Ann. One thousand gifts: a dare to live fully right where you are. Waterville, ME: Thorndike Press, 2012. Print.

Hawk Nelson. "Live Like You're Loved" Diamonds. Fair Trade Services, 2015. CD.